pregnancy emotion

Pregnancy: 3rd Trimester and The End

By the third trimester I was spent. I could barely walk due to excruciating pelvic pain.  it would take me 20 minutes to walk the same distance it took me 5 minutes to do pre-pregnancy.  The vomiting decreased in frequency but I still had issues up until a week before C was born.  My poor husband had to put on my socks and shoes each morning.

The worst part was preparing for labor, delivery, and motherhood.  I would stress about changing diapers for no good reason. But I had not done it before and it seemed like something I would be doing often.

Anyhow I busied myself with prepping for baby.  Making a birth plan and setting up the nursery. Anything to keep my mind off of the reality the labor.  I was certain she would come early…

Fast forward a few days after my due date and this child still had not made her appearance.  I had already went on maternity leave and was so anxious I probably should have been sedated.  I had been having regular contractions getting closer together and spotting but it all suddenly stopped and almost a week later still no baby.

After what seemed like a daily visit to the doctor it was decided that I would be induced.  The baby wasn’t tracing well and my super experienced doctor thought it was safer to get her out.  So I went and got my already packed bag and headed to the hospital.  I remember sitting in the delivery waiting for the induction,  turning to B and saying I change my mind.  I had zero interest in birthing a baby.

But 24 hours later we welcomed Kikka.  After a failed induction and many hours of labor with oxygen, I had an emergency C-section.  Turns out Kikka had the umbilical cord wrapped twice around her neck, was slowly being strangled and was in distress.

I can’t say this enough folks- Get a doctor you trust!  I trusted my doctor with my life and my baby’s life.  She saved my babies life with just her instincts. I have a wonderful thriving baby girl because of her.

Motherhood and Me

I always hoped I would have children.  I would picture having a girl and a boy.  I REALLY wanted a daughter but would never be disappointed in having a son.  With my diagnoses I pretty much gave up on marriage and kids but would talk about wanting marriage and kids anyhow…maybe trying to wish it into the universe.

I think something people have a hard time accepting is that they don’t really have control over their life.  Regardless if they believe in a higher power or not, most people know some things are left to chance. The reality is probably that everything is left to chance.  You can want marriage and kids all you want but that doesn’t mean you will have them.  I accepted that thought as a teenager.  I had to find something to do with my life that could keep me happy in my spinster lifestyle.  I chose philanthropy and the environment.

But of course God sent me a husband and a baby.  I am not sure more children are in store for us, but regardless I am happy.  There are plenty of times that I wonder if I can run off to Vanuatu whilst laughing maniacally leaving them behind screaming “I’m free!  I’m free!” never to return again.  But I know that I couldn’t even manage a weekend trip to a spa without missing C. And after a couple weeks without B I feel homesick even if I am in fact at home and he is the one who is away.   Truth is they are my home and wherever we are together is where I want to be.

So how do I feel…. exhausted, in excruciating pain and blissfully happy.  Even if I didn’t have them I would be tired and in pain… At least now I get to be deliriously happy.  At times B and I miss alone time to ourselves so we can watch our shows on Netflix but then C laughs or gives us a hug or kiss and we forget there was even a time when it was just two of us.