Motherhood and Me

I always hoped I would have children.  I would picture having a girl and a boy.  I REALLY wanted a daughter but would never be disappointed in having a son.  With my diagnoses I pretty much gave up on marriage and kids but would talk about wanting marriage and kids anyhow…maybe trying to wish it into the universe.

I think something people have a hard time accepting is that they don’t really have control over their life.  Regardless if they believe in a higher power or not, most people know some things are left to chance. The reality is probably that everything is left to chance.  You can want marriage and kids all you want but that doesn’t mean you will have them.  I accepted that thought as a teenager.  I had to find something to do with my life that could keep me happy in my spinster lifestyle.  I chose philanthropy and the environment.

But of course God sent me a husband and a baby.  I am not sure more children are in store for us, but regardless I am happy.  There are plenty of times that I wonder if I can run off to Vanuatu whilst laughing maniacally leaving them behind screaming “I’m free!  I’m free!” never to return again.  But I know that I couldn’t even manage a weekend trip to a spa without missing C. And after a couple weeks without B I feel homesick even if I am in fact at home and he is the one who is away.   Truth is they are my home and wherever we are together is where I want to be.

So how do I feel…. exhausted, in excruciating pain and blissfully happy.  Even if I didn’t have them I would be tired and in pain… At least now I get to be deliriously happy.  At times B and I miss alone time to ourselves so we can watch our shows on Netflix but then C laughs or gives us a hug or kiss and we forget there was even a time when it was just two of us.

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